How to Handle Tantrums at Every Age

Tantrums are not bad behavior — they are communication from a brain that is overwhelmed. Learn how to respond in the moment and reduce tantrums over time.

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Try Tonight

Practice deep breathing with your child right now — make it a game by blowing pretend birthday candles

Create a "calm down kit" — a small box with a stress ball, a picture book, and a stuffed animal

The next time a tantrum starts, try sitting silently nearby instead of talking

Before a known trigger (leaving the park, turning off TV), give a two-minute warning

Why Tantrums Happen

Tantrums are one of the most misunderstood parts of child development. They are not manipulation, defiance, or a sign that you are doing something wrong. A tantrum happens when a child's emotions overwhelm their ability to cope — their feeling brain has taken over, and their thinking brain has gone offline. The prefrontal cortex, which handles emotional regulation, does not fully develop until the mid-twenties. In children under 6, this part of the brain is barely functional during stress. Expecting a toddler to "calm down" during a tantrum is like expecting them to solve algebra — the hardware is not there yet. Tantrums peak between ages 1.5 and 3, when children have big desires, strong emotions, and very limited language to express them. They want the red cup, not the blue one. They want to stay at the park. They want to do it themselves. When reality does not match desire and words fail, the body takes over.

Age-Specific Approaches

For toddlers (ages 1-3), your primary job during a tantrum is to be a calm, safe presence. Sit nearby, speak softly, and wait. Do not try to reason, explain, or fix. Once the storm passes, offer comfort: a hug, a drink of water, a quiet acknowledgment. "That was really big. I am right here." For preschoolers (ages 3-4), you can begin teaching emotion vocabulary during calm moments. Use picture books, feelings charts, or games. "Your face looks frustrated — are you feeling frustrated?" When a tantrum starts, acknowledge the emotion first: "You are so angry that we have to leave. I get it." Then hold the boundary. For older children (ages 5-6), tantrums should be decreasing in frequency as emotional vocabulary and regulation skills develop. If they are not, the child may need more support — teaching specific coping strategies like deep breathing, counting to 10, or squeezing a stress ball. Practice these tools when they are calm so they can access them when they are not.

Stay calm — your nervous system regulates theirs

Get on their physical level — kneel or sit

After the tantrum, do not lecture — connect first, teach later

In the Moment: What Actually Works

First, ensure safety. Move your child away from anything dangerous. If you are in public, find a quieter spot if possible. Then, do less than you think you should. Most parents try to do too much during a tantrum — talking, reasoning, offering solutions. All of this is noise to an overwhelmed brain. The co-regulation approach works best: stay present, stay calm, and offer minimal words. "I am here. You are safe. I will wait." Your calm presence is doing the work even when it does not feel like it. Your child's mirror neurons are absorbing your regulated state and using it to come down. After the tantrum (not during), talk about what happened. "You really wanted the toy and it was hard when I said no. Your body got really upset." Naming the experience helps children process it and builds the vocabulary they need to handle it differently next time.

Validate the emotion, hold the boundary: "I know you want the cookie. The answer is still no. I am sorry it is hard."

Distraction works for toddlers — pointing out something interesting can redirect the brain

For older kids, offer a choice: "Would you like to take deep breaths or squeeze this pillow?"

What NOT to Do

Do not punish tantrums. Sending a child to their room, taking away privileges, or yelling during a tantrum punishes them for having emotions they cannot control. It teaches them that big feelings are bad and should be hidden — not managed. Avoid "giving in" to stop the tantrum. If you said no to the candy bar and then buy it to end the screaming, you have taught your child that tantrums work. Hold your boundary calmly and compassionately. The tantrum will pass. Do not take it personally. Your child screaming "I hate you!" during a tantrum does not mean they hate you. It means they are overwhelmed and using the strongest words they know. Address it later when everyone is calm: "I know you were really upset. In our family, we do not say hurtful things. What were you actually feeling?"

When to Seek Professional Help

Tantrums are still frequent and intense past age 5-6

Your child hurts themselves or others during tantrums

Tantrums last longer than 20-30 minutes regularly

Your child has multiple tantrums per day beyond the toddler years

You feel unsafe or unable to manage the tantrums

“A tantrum is not a child giving you a hard time. It is a child having a hard time.”

Dr. Ross Greene — Clinical Child Psychologist and Author of The Explosive Child

How Emmie Helps with Tantrums

Emmie provides in-the-moment calming scripts, helps you identify tantrum triggers and patterns, and offers age-specific de-escalation strategies personalized to your child.

Text Emmie at (877) 703-6643

Frequently Asked Questions

Are tantrums normal?

Completely. Tantrums are a normal part of development, peaking between ages 1.5 and 3. One to two tantrums per day is within the normal range for toddlers. They decrease as language and emotional regulation develop.

Should I ignore tantrums?

There is a difference between ignoring the tantrum and ignoring the child. Stay present and calm, but do not engage with the tantrum itself. No lectures, no negotiations. Your calm presence helps more than words.

How do I handle tantrums in public?

Move to a quieter spot if possible. Stay calm despite the audience. Do not give in to end the embarrassment. Other parents understand — they have been there. A brief "I know this is hard" and your calm presence is enough.

Will ignoring tantrums make them stop?

Not ignoring — but not reinforcing. If tantrums never achieve the desired outcome (getting the toy, avoiding bedtime) and are met with calm compassion, they naturally decrease as children develop other coping tools.